Before we get started, let me ask you a simple question:
What is the best way to start preparing for marriage?
Well, the best preparation for marriage is not only to choose the best spouse but it is also to work on being the ideal spouse for someone. Read this again!
It's been found that about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. And there are many other parts of the world with higher divorce rates.
What could be the possible causes of divorce?
1) Lack of Commitment. There was no real love in the first place, only infatuation.
2) Too much arguing. When a woman becomes a nagger and the man can no longer stand it.
3) Infidelity. When trust is gone, the marriage is at a dead end.
4) Marrying too young. Some people marry for the wrong reasons like running away from parental authority or for money.
5) Unrealistic Expectations. When a person falls from the expectation of the other.
6) Lack of Equality. When one partner feels that he/she has more responsibility than he/she should have.
7) Abuse: physical, mental, emotional, verbal.
8) Lack of Preparation. People go into marriage without being mentally, emotionally matured; no financial plans or marriage was an accident and the child was unexpected.
So today I'm going to walk you through the fundamental principles for preparing yourself for marriage. And because everything we're sharing is so important, we'd take it step-by-step.
#1: GET A GOOD EDUCATION
Whether you are a boy or a girl, if you are highly educated, chances are you will get married to an educated person, too.
Of course, there are alternatives to the traditional 4-year college education. You can take online courses or simply get into a trade. The important thing is to be educated. Because if you want a successful marriage, both spouses should be able to sustain the needs of the family like shelter, food, education, medical expenses, and vacations during holidays, etc. And the money needed here is big time!
#2: DEVELOP YOUR CHARACTER
Many people try to attract a mate by improving the physical aspect like putting make up, buying expensive clothes and shoes or going through cosmetic surgery. But the best preparation is to mold the inner person because it will be needed to deal with the other person, and like my mum would always ask, "what will you teach your kids?"
Here are 10 character traits important in marriage:
1) Honesty. Very important to build trust. There should be no secrets between a couple.
2) Humility. Needed to resolve conflict. There would be no marriage crises if women realize that the husband is the head of family and he has the final say in matters.
3) Patience. Needed to tolerate the weaknesses of your partner.
4) Temperance or self-control. Needed in resolving conflict.
5) Kindness and Thoughtfulness. Needed to keep the fires of the relationship.
6) Trust. Until proven guilty, you have to trust your partner totally and completely.
7) Consideration. Understanding that people make mistakes.
8) Forgiving spirit. Be ready to forgive, forget and start a new slate.
9) Respect. By not neglecting the importance of the other, because sometimes a partner makes decisions without the consent of the other.
10) Discipline. Needed to help you, your spouse and the children to succeed in life.
#3: DEVELOP YOUR COMMUNICATION AND INTERPERSONAL SKILLS
Do not be naïve. Expose yourself to many different kinds of people.
a) Learn to have a give and take relationship with others. Do not abuse other people's kindness or allow others to abuse your kindness.
b) Learn to express your ideas and feelings in a tactful way. Some women use the cold treatment, screaming and shouting, crying, avoid talking about the problem, talking to other people about marital problems which are not effective ways to express yourself.
Some men do not know how to express their feeling of aggression than by hitting their spouse or the walls of their house.
c) Learn conflict resolution skills.
d) Learn power sharing skills.
e) Develop your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Here are some faulty thinking you need to deal with as you prepare for marriage because they make people difficult to live with at the end of the day...
1) Survival of the fittest. People who hold this view are very competitive, hostile and are happy if they were able to take advantage of another person. Screw this mindset now if you're truly ready for marriage.
2) Machiavellianism. Here the end justifies the means. Niccolo Machiavelli was an Italian historian, politician, diplomat and writer based in Florence. He believes that it is all right to use violence and deceit to stabilize political power.
A good example of this perspective is a college student who cheats his/her way to graduation. If you practice this in a relationship then you are to be called a Machiavellian.
3) Not being mindful of the consequences of your actions. Some people think that they can do crumby things and can get away from them or they will not reap the consequences of their actions. In Physics, remember Newton's Third Law of Motion which states that "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." This also applies to our daily lives.
Sometimes the consequence of our actions are long term, so that some bad marriages are a consequence of our wrong doings when we were younger.
Suffice it to say that the more good things we do, the more good things will happen to us. The more bad things we do, the more bad things will happen to us.
4) Not being willing to swallow your pride. Because of pride, it is difficult for people to change their ideologies and habits. Sometimes they refuse to make a deeper study because it will prove that these new ideas are better than theirs. We should be willing to change our way of thinking and our way of living for the better.
#4: DEVELOP CONFLICT MANAGEMENT SKILLS
There are 5 conflict handling styles in marriage:
- Compromise
- Avoiding compromise
- Competition
- Accommodation
- Collaboration
This method of handling conflict involves negotiations, finding a middle ground when trying to deal with friction. However, a major drawback to this is that long term objectives and values may be compromised in the process. One partner may not comply with the agreement.
2. AVOIDING COMPROMISE (No win - no lose)
Examples of avoiding compromise include withdrawing, ignoring faults, avoiding arguments, postponing a forum etc. The problem with this approach is that it may make matters worse, because outwardly there may be no conflict but the conflict is bad internally, so couple just drift away from each other until they feel too far from each other and then end in divorce.
3. COMPETITION (I win - you lose)
This involves using arguing and debating skills as well as asserting your opinions. Usually used about buying things like furniture, appliances, or making minor financial decisions.
4. ACCOMMODATING MODE (You win - I lose)
Accommodating mode means you forget about your needs or wants in favour of the other. If used too often, the other partner will eventually abuse your kindness. The partner being abused feels cheated and wants to get out of the relationship.
5. COLLABORATIVE MODE (Win - win)
This is the process of working through differences that will lead to creative solutions that will satisfy both parties concerned.
This conflict handling approach is what couples should master and always seek to adopt in their relationship.
To be continued...
Have an amazing day!
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